Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize