Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
