yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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