Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
