I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
