between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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