i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Blow job season was short but glorious.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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