i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize