just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
