Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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