I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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