overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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