He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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