She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
