You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
