Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
We have started to decorate penises.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
