I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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