two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
