I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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