Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
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