his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
