So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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