i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My dick has a subreddit
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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