Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
