My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
