What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
