If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
