There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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