used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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