I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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