I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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