My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
It's shark week go big or go home
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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