And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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