You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
