I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
The air was thick with penises
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize