I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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