so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I want a musical about memes.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize