Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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