Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
