i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
