Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
