someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
