Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
