I faked an abortion last night.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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