I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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