I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
