Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
