If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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