hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
