the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Randomize
