Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize