Someone shit on the floor
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
