dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
