I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
