last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
