not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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