I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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