My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
