He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
