I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
