plz talk dirty to me
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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