i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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